And then one day you wake up and it’s December. The month of the end of the world. No, I don’t believe in this 12/21/2012 bullshit at all. But I do know that the world that I have come to know and love in the last couple of months, the world I have built for myself and adapted to, will break down on this day, never to exist in the same way again. I have thought about it a lot recently – about this end, that I sometimes wish would never come, and that in other moments I long for so desperately. How do I see it now? I don’t know.
And then one day you wake up and it’s December. The month of saying good-bye. No, I can’t pretend to not have known that this time was limited right from the beginning. But I do know that I would rather say „see you later“ than „farewell“ to all the people, places and things I have grown fond of during my time here. I have thought about it a lot recently – about those good-byes that I’m sometimes afraid of, because I don’t know what to say, and that in other moments are over before I know it. Will I ever see anyone or anything here again? I don’t know.
And then one day you wake up and it’s December. The month of big decisions. No, the huge question mark after the „And then what?“ still hasn’t turned into thin air, plans or clarity. But I do know that at some point I will find exactly what I need in this endless and confusing mass of possibilities.
I have thought about it a lot recently – about this „afterlife“, that sometimes I dream of so precisely as if it were already reality and that in other moments only looks like black, terrifying emptiness. Where will my path lead? I don’t know.
And then one day you wake up and it’s December. The month of coming home. No, I still don’t feel the slightest bit of homesickness. But I do know, that there are people waiting for me that I will never want to let go again once I’ll finally be able to hug them again.
I have thought about them a lot recently – about those people, that I love more that I sometimes realize and that in other moments my life definitely is half empty without. What would I do without them? I don’t know.
And then one day you wake up and it’s December. And as you realize that this seemingly small change only hurts so much because it once again forces you to admit your own powerlessness, you simply accept it and go for breakfast – for the first time in December.